Interesting Little Tid Bit...

Life has, as usual, been crazy busy!! I am officially on vacation until the 4th...YAY!!  I need it desperately.  I plan to do a little blogging while being off next week, but for now I think I can safely say that all has been pretty good and quite....my daughter is in counseling and loving it, Jacob has been back with his girlfriend and my grandson since late October...they seem to be doing fine (hope it continues!) and me?  Well, I'm now in therapy too.  Can't say I was surprised when the doctor that my husband and I went to see for my daughter, ended the session by asking me if I'd ever been in counseling and then said, "you need to be!"  So, all is going okay for now and I'm enjoying the reprieve and praying it lasts!

So, here's the interesting little tid bit that I want to share....  Our baby wasn't walking just yet at his 1 year old check up, so our pediatrician and I were talking about ages that babies begin to walk.  He told me that people tend to be hard wired in certain areas and that babies that walk earlier, rather than later, tend to be more risk takers as they get older.  I said, OH REALLY?!?!  Because my oldest (Jacob) is my risk taker.  Our pediatrician smilled and said, "And I bet he's the one that walked at 10 months."  And, he was right!!  He went on to say that my 1 year old seemed to be "right there" and that he would walk soon.  He said that some babies (the ones that walk early) tend to just let go and walk without really thinking about it and the ones that walk a little later, like our 1 year old, could do it, but they tend to stop and think first and that's what slows them down a little.  A child that stops and thinks?!?!  I'll take it!!!!  Our baby is now walking.....officially at 13 1/2 months old!  Anyway, I found this rather interesting.....  I'm curious...did any of your "risk takers" walked earlier or later?

My wish for you all is that it is a peaceful and joyous Holiday season...Merry Christmas to you all and may 2011 be everything we hope for!!!

The Tides of Change....

Wow, so where to begin so that this doesn’t turn into a dissertation! Okay, long story, short….turns out that most of what I had heard about my son from my last post was false. He’s actually doing pretty good and I’ve seen a lot of progress in his behavior and choices. He came to me and asked for help for the first time in his life. He said he needed to be with family and wanted help before he did something really stupid. You would have to know him and more of our history to really understand how huge this is for him. He has NEVER asked for help. He has a lot of pride, believe it or not. And he’s always been hell bent on doing it his way. So, I gave him that hand up and it turned out good!! He’s doing well and he’s thinking a little differently. He has been asking for my opinion on what he should do about this or that….again, this is another first.

Here’s where things went to hell in a hand basket…. About a month ago my niece, who is in her freshman year of college got caught smoking pot with a group of kids (stupid kids obviously) on campus. Well, there’s a zero tolerance so she was evicted from her housing and cannot return. She’s not a bad kid; she’s just a stupid one! She doesn’t “do drugs,” but she did follow the pack on this occasion. She asked if she could stay with us (we live closest to the college she’s attending) just until the end of the semester at which point her mother told her she was coming home and could go to Jr. College for a semester or two. So, after some serious thought, my husband and I said okay, with some reservations and very clear rules. The biggest concern here is that my niece and my daughter are just 14 months apart in age, they’re very close and they’ve had a tendency to find trouble together. So my husband made it crystal clear to both girls that one tiny screw up and H (my niece) would be out and he didn’t care where she went and he told my daughter she would wish she could go with her. About a week ago I found out that my niece is bulimic and she’s been cutting….great!! Just what I need, another kid with issues!! Is it in the water? Am I magnet for this shit?? I talked to her about this, told her I had to talk to her dad (my brother) and she needed help because this couldn’t continue.

Then, as if things couldn’t go any further south….it turns out that my daughter, almost 17 and my niece, 18, went to a rave last Friday night. Over the course of the night (Friday) my daughter took 5 tabs of ecstasy and then Saturday morning she took 32 Triple C…..I’m just sick. I realize that kids typically don’t really learn what you would hope just from watching a sibling or close friend that has really screwed up, but I still have a hard time getting my head around that.

So, my niece is out, headed back home where she’ll have to commute to the university she attends until the end of the semester and her mother can get her into therapy. My daughter is on strict lock down for the next several months. It’s been a living hell around here for days and I’m exhausted. I have found a psychiatrist and am close to finding a psychologist for her. I intend to get her on antidepressants and into counseling. I’m not a doctor by any means, but I really think her issues come from a totally different place than my sons. My daughter has a big weight problem which has her self-image in the gutter along with her self esteem and self worth add to this that she has taken a back seat to her brother and his issues far to many times - you deal with the child in crises at the time, don't you? I've had my own resentment wih my son on the backseat issue, but that's another story....I think I did the best I could do at the time with what was happening.  The possitive here is that she is actually looking forward to going to counseling; although, a little aprehensive about talking to someone she doesn’t know about all that’s going on with her.

Currently my anxieties are in over drive because my daughter thinks that my husband, her step father has no rights over her, needs to stay out of this, not speak to her and basically stay out of her way!! Well, this just isn’t going to happen. My husband tried to talk to her about her behavior (her mouth at this point) Friday morning and she gave him the “you’re not my father” speech, got a little mouthy, started crying, got up and walked out of the house with him hot on her trail!! Of course this just made everything worse.  But he wrote her, what I thought was a very good, long note about what his expectations of her are, how he isn't going to sit back and watch more and more stress be heaped opon me and that he loves her and wants to help. 

Thursday and Friday where a living hell around here…my husband wasn’t here and my daughter was full of anger and rage to the point that I was on the verge of calling the police and having her transported to the hospital. She was so full of hate and so erratic…she has always been a little on the mouthy side, but NEVER like she was these two days. I think it had to do with how the MDMA works by flooding the brain with serotonin, leaving you depleted until the brain heals and begins producing serotonin normally again. Saturday morning she came into the nursery and stood there; I looked up and she started crying and said she was sorry and didn’t know what was wrong with her and that it scared her. Heavy sigh…..

My husband loves my daughter and cares about her well being, of course she will never see this or least not for years to come when she’s hopefully mature enough to look back and see it. At any rate, my husband is not the type of man to cow tail to a teenager and he certainly will not have her calling any of the shots, nor should we!! My husband has been hunting since Friday and will be back sometime tomorrow. Of course my daughter is adamant that her step dad better not say a word to her or she’ll walk out again and she’ll go to her dads if her step dad says one word to her about anything. Fine, she can go to her dads, I’m not threatened by this. What she doesn’t realize is that I seriously doubt her father would take her because while he loves his kids he will not upset his home or wife by allowing either of our kids to live there when there is any sign of trouble…..geezzz!!! I have a feeling things around here aren’t going to be pretty….not pretty at all!!!

Well I tried not to let this post evolve into a novel, for all the good it did! :)

The Demons Are Alive and Well....

I can’t think, I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate on anything but him and will he live to see tomorrow….I can’t breathe.  He’s back out, using.  What the hell drives his demons? As much as I understand addiction, I will still never fully get it. He doesn’t know that I know…yet. Won’t really matter or make any difference when he knows, he’ll just deny it and fabricate some well spun story which he’s a master at.  So, my plan at this point is to try to have one brief conversation with him to let him know that this time I do not want to see him or hear from him until he is ready for help in the form of serious recovery, ready to commit at any cost, ready for the hardest work he’ll ever do in his life.  I have turned him over to God.  I can’t fix any of this for him as much as I wish I could, I know that.  I don’t know what else to do…..  He’s in deep, playing a very dangerous game with high stakes and I just pray he doesn’t end up dead.  With any luck his outstanding warrants will catch up with him soon and he’ll end up in jail, the best place for him at this very moment.  This sucks, what else can I say?

Remaining Cautiously Optimistic….

This past weekend was my ex-husband and the father of my children’s 50th birthday. My daughter was at her dad’s for the weekend and C and my grandbaby were going over on Saturday for a cookout to celebrate the ex’s birthday. Jake and C have been apart for a couple of weeks now. In the past whenever they have split up, Jake would take off and commence the beginning of his life spiraling out of control one more time….just the way it’s always gone. So, I was really surprised when my daughter told me that Jake came along with C and their son, to his dad’s for the cookout. Even more surprising was when my daughter told me that it had been Jake’s idea and he asked C if he could go with her and their baby. I guess you’d really have to know Jake and understand how he works to really get why this is sooooo out of character for him. It had been more than a week since I’ve had any communication with Jacob, so I decided to send him a text this morning just to say I love you and ask if he was doing okay and was he still staying at friends. He replied saying that he was back with C and they are trying to work things out. I’m happy they are trying to work on things….I’m not sure if things will work out for them or not, but I’m happy they’re at least trying…again. They’ve been together for more than 2 years (with periods of seperation) and I believe they really love each other but I worry about them because they each have their own issues, they’re so young and neither has the maturity to really understand and put into practice what it takes to have a healthy, loving relationship, not to mention that neither really know or understand what a healthy relationship is, in part, due to their young ages, lack of experience and the fact that both came from divorced homes….they are equally hard headed and stubborn. But, I have decided not to worry overly much about their relationship or read too much into this different course of action that I’m seeing with Jacob this time. Instead, I will breathe a sigh of relief for the moment, continue praying and remain cautiously optimistic and hopeful….I’ve turned it over to God.

Another False Alarm?

 Well Jacob finally surfaced and not in jail as I was so sure he was. When I got him on the phone he was going off about how he didn't want to talk about C and all that drama, how he's sick of it, how he's 20 years old, how he's a grown man and doesn't have to check in daily and why does everyone freak out just because he doesn't answer a call or a text. 

I have failed to mention that he has, again, left the apartment that he and C were living in together (they made it about 2 weeks).  I love C, but I also know how she is. She is a very hard headed and needy young woman that can nag and criticise like no one I've ever seen before. She has this vision of how she wants everything to be and she is relentless at trying to transform this vision into reality.  She wants them to be this happy perfect little family which to some extent, I get.  But, the wild card in this scenario is my son, the addict.  Using or not, he still has addict behavior...he is not working a program, doesn't think he needs one...how unfortunate. 

C met with her attorney yesterday concerning serving Jacob with child support orders.  He'll likely be served at work since he refuses to tell anyone where he's staying.  She told me that she believes he's using again and she'll tell her attorney that as well.  I told her she needed to do whatever she feels she needs to do to take care of herself and my grandson.  She worries that everyone will blame her or hate her for doing this, which I keep assuring her we don't, we get it!!

Is he using again? That's the million dollar question...  I figure the answer is yes, he's probably using something.  What he's messing around with I couldn't venture a guess at this point.  He's still going in to work and I haven't encountered him obviously "messed up"...yet. But if all goes the way it always has in the past then it will just be a matter of time before the spiral out of countrol begins again.  I hope I'm wrong, because that's what we do...we hope!  But, as my husband says about Jacob, where there's smoke, there has always been fire.

One more thing I have failed to mention is that Jacob has 3 outstanding charges against him, 2 of which are carrying outstanding warrants.  So I suppose what may turn out to be a saving grace in this drama is that he will probably encounter the police eventually, perhaps when he is served with child support orders and then it'll be off to jail where he'll like sit for a while because one of these charges is a state jail felony charge for possession of a controlled substance - Meth.  This is another post all together. 

We live by the choices we make. 

M.I.A.

Appears the ride has begun once again…just a few weeks shy of making it 9 months clean (this time). He is currently MIA and I suspect he is in jail somewhere. His phone is off and appears to have been off since sometime after 3 yesterday afternoon. I’ve checked all the obvious jails around here and he’s not there, or he just hasn’t hit their online system yet. I hate this with a passion so great I can’t begin to describe it, but I know all of you know exactly what I’m talking about anyway. Amazing how quick I can be catapulted back to not being able to focus on anything, not being able to breathe, feeling like I'm on the verge of panic and pretty much just being consumed with thoughts of where is he? Is he okay? If he is in jail, I can deal with that, I just need to know so I can start breathing again…. God, I hate this!

Did I Just Move Backward In The Line For The Rollercoaster? (Update to my previous post)

I want to preface this post with how last night ended. I received a call from C, which I really debated about answering. She was upset and crying, wanting to know if I had spoken to Jacob. I told her that I hadn’t and she went on to tell me that she was afraid that he was out doing things he’s not supposed to be doing and that they had been fighting over text but he refused to speak with her directly. So, after I hung up with her I tried to call Jake (I know, I know…this is where I get into trouble usually). Again he wouldn’t pick up his phone, but would only text. My first thought naturally was that he must be on something which was why wouldn’t speak to anyone directly. Although, all of his text messages made perfect sense and were completely coherent. We had the following text exchange:

     ME:  Is there a good reason why you won't answer your phone and talk to me?

     JAKE:  Because I'm busy mom can u not wait till tomorrow it's kinda late

     JAKE:  I have to work tomorrow

     ME:  Don't play with me Jake...it's only 9:25 and how busy can you be?

     JAKE:  I just don't want to hear the drama and that's all u could be calling about and I don't want to
                 hear it! Nobody sees or hears what happens to me behind the scenes so I don't want to hear the 
                 other gossip

     ME:  I'm going to bed...all I'm going to say is I sincerely hope you’re using your head and not doing
              anything stupid. Yours and Cathy's issues are just that, they're ya'lls. As I told you earlier, I'm not
              going to get involved in that area, but it's no longer just about you two, now there's a baby involved
              in all of this and HE is my concern. There is a right way to handle things and you don't have a good
              track record in that department. Ryan is the one I worry about. You are a father now and you do
              not have the privilege of checking in and out without serious consequences.

     JAKE:  I agree

So around noon today I sent C a text to check in on her and ask if she was doing okay today. About an hour later she responded saying that she was fine and that Jake came home last night. I asked how he was, figuring he was okay or she wouldn’t have let him come back and she would have been burning up my phone long before now. She said that she took my advise last night and did not engage, but just told Jake she was going to bed and to let her know when he was ready to come home and talk. So, for the first time, it appears that he didn’t do anything stupid and in the end made a good decision. He went home last night instead of staying out; he wasn’t high, just tired and a little irritated. So this time my story ends on a somewhat positive note; however, I know that tomorrow everything could be all upside down again. So I’m going to take it, be happy with it for as long as possible and remain ever cautiously hopeful, yet guarded….even if just for today.

In Line For The Rollercoaster….

Well, Jake, C and the baby have been in their new apartment a little more than a week and so it begins…. Just as I feared, it appears that impending disaster is looming large yet again…heavy sigh….. They had (yet another) fight, night before last, Jake got out of the car and took off walking. He hasn’t come back yet…. This is the first time he’s done this in nearly 9 months, so here we go again! I get so angry at him when he does this stuff. Not because I think he should stay and fight (they fight more than they get along), but because there is a right and responsible way to do things and frankly, his record in that department sucks. There is a baby involved this time and that changes everything in my book. I worry incessantly about Jake, just haven’t gotten to that point yet where I can put him and his problems out of my mind. But, having said that, he is a 20 year old man-child who is responsible for the choices he makes, but my grandson is only 9 months old and it infuriates me when I think of the damage that can be done to that innocent child simply because of the asinine choices of his father. The good news in this is that C, my grandson’s mother is not an addict, she despises that lifestyle and everything about it….except for my son, who she appears to genuinely love. For the life of me I don’t know why after all she’s dealt with over the past few years where he’s concerned. There is one problem though…..C doesn’t get “addiction”, frankly, she really doesn’t buy it all. She sees it as an excuse and a weakness. This makes it a little challenging when I try to explain behaviors and things to her. I’ve strongly suggested on many occasions that she do some research/reading on the subject if she really wants to understand and learn how to deal with it herself. I don’t think she’s done much in the way of this though….

Soooo, I don’t know if this is the beginning of that dreaded roller coaster ride again or not…probably is. This is how Jake’s relapses have always begun….he up and checks out and I have no reason to think he’ll do things differently this time. Could he check back in before he does anything stupid? I guess there’s always that chance but I won’t be holding my breath this time. I’ve become much more realistic in my thinking where he’s concerned than I once was. There was a time that I held onto any and all of his progress with a death grip. I was just telling my mom last night that in the past almost 9 months that Jake has done fairly good, stayed clean, got a job, I just haven’t felt the relief like I once would have, I didn’t feel as proud of him as I once would have with this much clean time….instead, I’ve felt like I’ve been standing in line for the roller coaster ride and I’m getting closer, won’t be ling because I can see the ride now, not long at all before I find myself sitting in the car, fastening the seat belt and holding on for dear life as the ride begins once again. I’ve decided that if I’m right and Jake is up to his old tricks, then I’m going to try my level best to make the best of a bad situation by putting into practice the right skills for dealing with an addict child. I will try not to enable, I will step aside and let the natural consequences occur and I will (with God’s help)let Jacob, on his own, figure out this life of his without my 2 cents ~ this will be the hardest one of all for me!.

I'm still here!!

Just wanted to to take a few minutes and post something to let you all know that I am still out here! It’s been so busy the last couple of months that I'm not sure sometimes if I'm coming or going, but I still make time to read all of your blogs and comment when and where I can. Also, I finally got my personal laptop fixed (YAY!) Turns out it was the video card which meant a new mother board and the best part of all is that it was all still under warranty, thank goodness!! I will be back blogging away soon!!

Other than that, things are going pretty good…Jake has just passed his 8 month clean mark ~ so far, so good. He, his son and baby momma are in the process of moving into their own apartment which I have a feeling will end in disaster, but I’m trying to remain hopeful and as optimistic as I can.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all….stay tuned….I’ll be back soon!!!

Little Pearls of Wisdom

You know how sometimes someone says something that for whatever reason just makes a great impression on you? It’s usually some simple truth that for some reason just really speaks to you?


About a year ago my husband said two things that for whatever reason were profound for me. One was a question, one was a statement. We were having a conversation about Jacob, although I couldn’t tell you now about what. Suffice it to say that this time last year, Jacob was way out of control and in full blown life destruction mode, which gave us many topics of conversation where Jacob was concerned and me a full array of things to worry and stress over. Let me first say that I, like others, sometimes struggle with detachment and enabling. There are times where it’s very difficult for me to differentiate between loving Jacob and enabling him. That line is often times very blurry for me. So, we were in the kitchen one evening, talking about Jacob and my husband asked me, “Is there nothing you wouldn’t do to save Jacob?” Without hesitation I responded “No, nothing.” He looked at me and simply said, “Then do it.” I knew without hesitation what he was saying. The time was now to do exactly that, “nothing” for Jacob’s own sake. I was enabling more than I realized at that time. It’s easier for those not as close to the fire to have a more clear view of what’s going on.

And then came a simple statement that I’ll never forget. It wasn’t ingenious or necessarily profound, well okay, for me perhaps it was profound…it spoke to me and it was said with complete sincerity. As our talk wrapping up, my husband turned to look at me and said, “I’m not asking you to stop loving Jacob, I’m asking you to love him enough.” WOW! This opened my eyes in a way I hadn’t done before. These simple words were so thought provoking for me….is this what it’s really about? Is this what it really comes down to? Was I letting my own fears get in the way of doing what I needed to do where Jacob was concerned? I think there’s times when it’s easier to enable than not enable.

     If I turn him away he might overdose…I can’t not answer his call, what if he’s hurt? What if he’s
     scared?  What if he’s hungry? How can I turn my back on him, he’ll think I’ve given up on him  
     and that’s the only hope he has. How can I leave him in jail? What if he gets hurt in there…or  
     worse? What if needs me? He can’t help this stuff… He just needs some help digging his way out
     this one time…again…

I’m not speaking for anyone here but myself….these are some of the little mind games I have played with myself at times. I know they’re crazy and when things are going good I can see that very clearly, but in the heat of battle there have been times where I’ve gotten sucked into the madness of it all.

I think sometimes I’ve done things as much to protect myself as Jacob. If I truly love Jacob more than life itself, and I do, then I have to be strong and put what is in his best interest above any and all fears, no matter how hard that might be. Because my friends, at the end of the day, this is love.

Spiritual River - a website

This is a website I stumbled onto and as it turned out I couldn't quit reading!!  The author of this website is an addict who has been clean, sober and in recovery for over 8 years.  I think there is really good information here....if you have time, look it over.

http://www.spiritualriver.com/

Happy Birthday

Yesterday was Jacob’s birthday. He turned 20 years old officially as of 3:25 yesterday morning. Today he is clean and has been for about 6 ½ months now. Today he is working. Today he is father to his beautiful 7 month old son. Today he is doing pretty well.

As I do from time to time, I’ve been thinking back over the past 20 years….where did all that time go? As I do every birthday, I reflect on this particular day 20 years ago, how happy and fulfilled I was, how beautiful and healthy he was. So many hopes and dreams. I think back to those early years and what a joy he was as a baby, toddler and little boy….how I long for that child of mine! I’ve said a million times and will say again; if I could take away the addiction component of him I would have the perfect kid. Jacob is and always has been a loving, giving, sensitive, funny and sweet boy. I guess I’m somewhat lucky that he is also this way even through addiction. I guess I’ve been fortunate on one hand that he isn’t abusive, mean or violent in his addiction; although on the other hand I’ve often wondered if he were, would it make it easier for me to detach when needed? Who knows, perhaps not.

Through this journey I’ve come to realize that while Jacob will never be President, a doctor or a lawyer, a nuclear scientist or even CEO of some big corporation, that’s okay. What is most important to me is that he beat and survive this thing called addiction, find peace, joy, contentment and hope in his life, be a responsible and functioning member of society and above all be happy….these are my hopes and dreams.

 I love you Jacob, Happy Birthday!

Victory Life Ministries - "Outcry In The Barrio"

Two summers ago, my brother, my niece and myself, had stopped at a Wal-Mart in South Texas on our way to visit Jake during his 8 month stay at the ranch. As we were walking through the parking lot on our way back to the car we were approached by a young man selling candy to raise money for a ministry he was part of, Victory Life Ministries. He handed us a pamphlet entitled “Outcry in the Barrio,” and began to tell us his tragic story of addiction and his recovery through this wonderful ministry. I stood there nailed to the street, listening to his story. I told him that God works in mysterious ways because we were currently on our way to visit my son who was in treatment for addiction. The young man set his bin on the ground, took out pen and paper and asked for my son’s name. He said that the ministry would pray for Jacob that night. We thanked the young man, wished him continued luck in his recovery and bought a bunch of his candy!

This past Memorial weekend I was shopping with my mom, my daughter, best friend of 30 years, Diane and again, my niece. We had just stepped outside into the grueling Texas heat (triple digits that day!), when a man approached, carrying a bin containing baked goods, “Good afternoon ladies, I’m part of a ministry…” A huge smile broke across my face as I knew before the words were out of his mouth, what ministry he was with. As he said the words, Outcry in the Barrio, and handed us the very familiar pamphlets, I just smiled and told him that I was very familiar with this ministry and I told him about my first encounter with them. He began talking to us about the incredible healing power of God. His story was very powerful and evokes hope in even the darkest of situations. He said that he had been shot 3 different times and “the good Lord saw fit to bring me through it each time.” He had been stabbed several times in the back with an ice pick by his brother; again, the Lord saw fit to bring him through it. He said that he was addicted to crack and heroine, drank a lot and smoked weed. One day he said he was on a street corner when he just walked out into the middle of an intersection, in the pouring rain, got down on his knees and cried. He cried out to God to deliver him from the drugs and life he was living. He said he pleaded with God telling Him he couldn’t go on that way anymore. He pleaded with God to either deliver him from his life of addiction or to take him then, out of this world. He said the next thing he knew there was a woman in the street, patting him and telling him that he was okay. He said he told her, “No, I’m not, I can’t do the drugs anymore.” He was 36 years old when this happened and he has been clean for 10 years now ~ Praise God!!
      I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. -Philippians 4:13
Just like before, the man took out pen and paper, wrote down Jacob’s name (said his name was easy to remember because it was his brother’s name also) and said that the ministry would be praying for Jacob. All things to the greater glory of God!

Twice now, in two different cities, 100’s of miles apart,, I've had the good fortune of crossing paths with people from this ministry. No one that I have asked (in the Dallas/Ft. Worth metroplex) has heard of this ministry, nor have any ever encountered someone from it. I believe it’s a God thing…..angels among us!!

I read this book a couple of years ago and would encourage others to read it too! Jacob read it before I did and passed it along to me. This book, “Outcry in the Barrio,” can be ordered free of charge from this website:
          http://www.victorylifedallas.org/mens-home/free-book.html

This book is the true story and powerful testament to what happens when we let God be the Father He wants to be to us. As mere humans, we forget sometimes that God controls situations far better than we could ever hope to.

Pastor Freddie Garcia, founder of Victory Fellowship in San Antonio, Texas, was known for accepting the very people others gave up on. A former drug addict himself, Pastor Garcia approached broken lives with humility and determination. Pastor Freddie, at the age of 71, left this world and went home this past October 2009. He was an incredible man and disciple of Christ. His ministry lives on. He will be missed.

This is a news article that was written about Pastor Freddie at the time of his death:

Freddie Garcia wasn't a 9-to-5 preacher who left his work at the church.


A reformed drug addict, he was a minister 24 hours a day, seven days a week.


Garcia, who died Friday, invited drug addicts into his home and eventually built a nationally acclaimed faith-based ministry that helped untold numbers of addicts kick their drug habits — just as he had.


Victory Outreach ministry, which he and his wife, Ninfa, launched in 1970, became so successful that in 1990, President George H.W. Bush gave him a national Achievement Against the Odds award at the White House.


Some 15 years later, Garcia opened a modern, $3.6 million drug and alcohol rehabilitation center, New Victory Fellowship, at Castroville Road and Southwest 39th Street.


Garcia, 71, died at a local hospital. He'd been on kidney dialysis for nine years, said attorney Luis Vera Jr., who'd known Garcia more than 20 years.


Garcia's best-selling book, “Outcry in the Barrio,” detailed his life story and influenced many young drug addicts to seek help.


“Any church leader around here, or the country, who helps addicts or alcoholics got their training or inspiration from Freddie,” Vera said.


“Freddie did not believe in methadone as a treatment for heroin addicts,” he added. “He believed that spiritual healing was the key, and that is why his program was so successful.”


Vera said Garcia was used to “having families drop off their husband, wife, sons or daughters at all hours of the day or night” at the West Side facility because they just couldn't deal with the addicts anymore.


Born in 1938, he met Ninfa in 1963. The couple lived on the streets, and Garcia was an addict. “I went through a lot of treatment programs but didn't find an answer,” he often said. “They were dealing with the branches of the problem. They weren't dealing with the root, which is sin.”


After turning to religion at Teen Challenge in Los Angeles in 1967, Garcia married Ninfa and attended the Latin American Bible Institute in La Puente, Calif., graduating in 1970.


He then returned to San Antonio determined to help drug addicts in the barrio change their lives. His ministry was modeled after that of Teen Challenge.


The Garcias invited addicts into their little home on North San Eduardo Street, a half-block south of Culebra Avenue.


The couple became parents, teachers and mentors, encouraging addicts to accept religion and take responsibility for their lives.


When more addicts came, Garcia enlarged their little house. A visitor late at night often could find guests sleeping on couches, dining room benches, beds and floors — wherever there was room for a tired body to rest.


Years later, after his ministry's success was nationally recognized, “Pastor Freddie,” as he was known, said he couldn't believe that he, an ex-junkie, was walking on the front lawn of the White House as a guest of the president.


But he gave God all the credit and opened his arms and his home to thousands who came asking for the same change in their lives. “I never ask them if they're here to change. I just take them in because I know what God's going to do,” he told the San Antonio Express-News in 2002. “Nobody makes them stay. If they stay it’s because they want to change their lives.” He gave them the Bible, fatherly discipline and love.


“I thank God for Freddie. To this day, he lives a surrendered life,” said Jaime Mata, an ex-addict who was changed through Garcia's ministry and then joined him in ministering to addicts. “Freddie has no care for himself. It's all about other people. He's a relentless teacher of the truth.”


Mata said Garcia's ministry enables drug addicts to be sheltered and protected from outside distractions during the time it takes them to kick their habits and develop a relationship with Jesus Christ.


Garcia said he didn't push any of his children to continue his ministry, believing it must be a call from God. His youngest son, Jubal, heard the call at age 18 and began training to assist in his father's ministry and eventually succeed him.


“A lot of preachers were never there for their kids; their ministries were more important. But I never experienced anything like that,” Jubal Garcia said in 2002.


          And looking at them Jesus said to them, "With people this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26

The Flower Child and the Gangsta!!

A little something light hearted for a beautiful Friday afternoon!!  Today I am happy to have a funny little story to tell….which is nice for a change!!


I sent this picture of Eli, our 7 month old, to some friends & family today. Included in the email were my son Jake and his girlfriend, Cathy….

Just minutes later Jake send me an email reply to the picture above. Here was his reply:

“Eli is soooo cute, but Ryan is Gangsta!!!”

I laughed for 30 minutes!!! Ryan is Jake & Cathy’s baby and my beautiful grandson!!  Jake has always had such a wonderful sense of humor….it makes my heart so happy that he still has it!! 

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!!

Memorial Weekend

I had a great Memorial weekend!  Diane, my best friend of 30 years came up from the Austin area along with her husband and son (who is also my God son).  Our niece (mine and hers) graduated from high school Friday night.  We all went to the graduation and then to dinner and had a really nice time together.  Diane and I don’t get to see each other as often as we used to, so I really look forward to the times we’re able to spend together.  Diane is Jacob’s Godmother and as close to a sister as I will ever know.  I am very blessed to have her in my life!!  She is the most together, rational, even-keeled person I have ever known.  She has always been there for me.  She loves Jacob dearly.  He too is fortunate.

Years ago I began to hold my breath whenever a holiday was upon us, no matter how big or small, holiday’s usually meant something was on the horizon and it usually wasn’t a good thing.  Not that addicts need any excuse or reason to use, but there just seems to be something about holidays that seems to trigger crazier than usual occurrences.  I’m happy to be able to report that Jacob didn’t find any new trouble and he stayed clean (over 5 months and counting, this time).  But this isn’t to say that it was a non-eventful holiday weekend. 

Saturday I received a call from an old childhood friend of Jacob’s (who I’ll refer to as P), who touches base with me a few time a year.  He called to let me know about a tragedy that had occurred earlier that morning.  

There’s another young man (who I’ll refer to as T) that Jake goes back to childhood with.  I have pictures of the two of them with fishing poles and caught fish in hand.  This was back when they were just silly little boys doing what silly little boys do.  As they reached the teen years they became a combustible combination.  Alone, each found plenty of trouble; together they were a train wreck for trouble.  Both Jake and T ended up with drug problems as well as legal problems.  Jacob spent a little more than the first 2 months of this year in county jail along with T, for a crime they were both charged with.  Jacob swears to this day that he had nothing to do with that crime….I believe him, following a brief investigation, his attorney also believed him (I go more into this drama in later post).  

T was shot in the back of the neck by another young man he had been arguing with at some residence they were both at.  He just turned 20, two weeks earlier.  What a senseless tragedy. 

One young woman, who’s part of this group of kids that have grown up together, partied together, gotten in trouble together….posted on her facebook:  “Death after death after death – when will it stop?”  They seriously just don’t get it and it just leaves me shaking my head and totally dumbfounded.

I’ve really worried about how Jacob would deal or not deal with this loss, since his normal mode of operation is just not to deal with anything painful.  Normally, this would be a huge trigger and he would totally check out.  To date, so far, so good….he was very emotional, upset and angry when he found out about T’s death.  His girlfriend told me that as long as he stayed busy he seemed to do okay.  But that if someone called asking if he’d heard anything else or if he sat around with nothing to occupy him, he would get all wound up again.  Jacob, his girlfriend and their baby (my grandson) came over and hung out with all of us on Sunday night…he looked good and he had a really nice time being with family and good friends.  

Please keep Jacob in your prayers that he continues to deal with this tragedy in a responsible and healthy manner.  Also, please remember in prayer T’s mother….she has one son in and out of prison and yesterday she laid her youngest to rest.  One tragedy after another….my heart just stays in pieces…..

Back Where It All Began...Part III of III

Like many of you out there, I looked into numerous residential treatment programs searching for that one place that spoke to me, that was perfect for Jacob; that would make all the difference.  I searched high and low, off and on for months.  There had been times that I’d looked into treatment programs and then things would seem to calm down and I’d put it off a little longer (thinking everything was finally okay).   Then, the day came when I knew without a doubt that residential treatment was Jake’s only hope and was exactly where he belonged.  I went onto the internet and for the first time I found a program I had never come across before….Resolution Ranch.  I knew immediately that this was the program I’d been looking for.  I called immediately and spoke to the program director.  At that time the ranch had 1 available bed.

Now, getting Jake to this treatment facility proved to be somewhat of a challenge.  He was spinning more and more out of control. He ran away regularly and I called the cops regularly.  It seemed like every time I turned around there was a squad car in front of my house.  This was somewhat embarrassing at first, but its funny how you get to a point with some things where you just don’t care anymore….I had bigger fish to fry!!  I’m sure the neighbors found plenty to talk about.

Jake was 16, almost 17 at this time and he wasn’t thrilled about going to treatment, but was going none the less.  I took a few days off work to shop for things he needed for his extensive stay, pack and get him there.  Me, Jacob, my mom (his grandmother) and his sister spent the day shopping for necessities, doing lunch, talking about what a positive experience this was going to be, about how this was the new beginning of his life….we had a really nice day together and then at the last store we were at, he disappeared.  He had borrowed his sister’s phone and called and had someone pick him up from the store.  Typical. 

I called the ranch, explained my situation and was told that they could hold the bed for a couple of days to see if I was able to round Jake up.  But, there was another family with a kid waiting for a bed to open up.  I called the next day and told them to give the bed to the family that needed it.  Jake was gone about a week when he wrecked a friend’s car and the police were called.  He didn’t run.  He even told them that there was probably a run-a-way charge on him.  He would tell me later that he was tired or running and that’s why he didn’t.  Now, I had been speaking with a detective at this time about some something Jake was involved in or had information on (I can’t recall what it was all about….this was a common occurrence with Jake and the authorities).  This detective told me that when Jake was picked up this time he would make sure that he was sent to the juvenile justice center at our county jail….he (Jake) obviously wasn’t getting the picture.  So, when a woman from the police station called and said that I needed to come pick up my kid, I said “Oh NO!!  You need to speak to detective so & so about this.”  It’s funny when I think about it because I had spent the previous couple of years and so much of my energy trying to save Jake from himself and keeping him "out" of the juvenile justice system and now, here I was welcoming it with open arms!! 

Shortly after Jake arrived at JJ, I received a call from a juvenile detention officer telling me I needed to come and pick up my son.  I told him no, that they were supposed to keep him, at least over night!  I was then told that if I didn’t come get him sometime that evening, charges would be filed against me for abandonment!!!  WHAT?!?!  Unbelievable!!!  So, my ex-husband (Jake’s dad) and I went up there and spent an hour arguing why it was important for him to stay there.  The intake officer told us that by law they could not keep Jake because he did not have a record.  I explained that the only reason he didn’t have a record was because he just hadn’t been caught yet!!  I explained that if the law would come down harder on these kids at a younger age, maybe some of this crap wouldn’t happen later.  So how this ended was that we had to refuse to take him.  By doing this, they were able to detain him until he could be sent in front of a judge which wouldn’t be until the following morning.  This works, we’ll take it!!

The following morning, there we were, standing before a juvenile justice judge when Jake was brought in wearing the traditional orange jumpsuit, with bowed head….he never once looked at us or spoke. This judge was one tough cookie (YAY!!)....I guess when working with wayward youths for a living, this is a must!!  It was explained to the judge (by some woman that worked the courts) that Jake was detained because he was a flight risk and that we, his parents, were trying to get him into treatment.  We then explained that a bed would be available the following day.  She asked if we could guarantee Jake’s where abouts, my ex told her no, not unless he handcuffed him to himself.  She quickly ordered him to stay put in JJ until the following day when we could get him to treatment – YAY!!!!  The following morning we arrived at the courts with my brother in tow to help in case Jake tried anything….we were hell bent on getting him to treatment this time and it was 5 hours away by car.  I didn’t really expect Jake to do anything, that’s just not his M.O. typically.  He was very somber and emotional on the drive south.  He told me he was tired, didn’t want to live like this anymore and he was emotional about being so far away for 6 to 12 months…we’ve always been so close and we’d never been apart prior to this.  It was a cool, rainy day as we began our drive to South Texas; it was Friday, April 13, 2007.

The Ranch

Resolution Ranch, a residential treatment facility for trouble teenage boys aged 13 to 17, a functioning ranch located on 500 acres in South Texas.  This is where Jake lived for 8 months.  This is where he learned valuable life skills, where he was clean, where he found clarity in his life, where he learned to cope with out the aid of any ADHD meds, where he grew and matured, where he made plans for his life, set goals, worked a program, where he thrived and where he found peace.  If only he could have stayed there forever. 

I've decided to do a separate post on the Ranch…which will follow soon.

Looking back on the past 5 years, it’s no surprise really, what a train wreck I became, our lives became, Jacob became…. through all of those ups and downs.  But, I believe today that I’ve grown and I've made some progress since way back then.  I’m not completely “there”….I’m not really sure I’ll ever actually “arrive”, but I'll keep plodding along in that right direction.

I have no regrets about any decisions I’ve made or actions I’ve taken on this journey through hell and my quest to see my son whole again.  I pray continuously and ever diligently that this story of his has a happy ending, but if that’s not to be, I will not look back and wonder what if I had done this or done that.     

Your Support Is Needed

There's a mother new to this struggle that I believe could really use everyone's support. Please visit her blog and let her know she isn't walking this road alone. Her bog is at:
http://motherofabeautifulboy.blogspot.com/
thank you and God bless you all,
kristi

Back Where It All Began....Part II

As I mentioned in part 1, when Jake went into treatment for the first time, I literally fell apart at the seams, to say I was a total and complete wreck would be an understatement. I didn’t know what to do, how to do it and I was terrified!! My doctor took me off work for 3 months and put me on anti-depressants. I remember sitting in group counseling at this treatment facility, with other families, and I recall hearing, more than once, a mom or dad say “Hi, I’m so & so’s mom or dad and this is our 3rd time back,” WHAT?? Third time back? Third time to go through this? OH HELL NO!!! I didn’t think I was going to survive just one time and here they were doing this 3 and 4 times!?!?! God help me!!


I remember the counselors telling us that about 80% of the kids there would go back to using. They kept telling us that relapse was a part of recovery. I had such a hard time getting my head around this one. I understand now that relapse is a part of recovery (sort of), but I believed then and frankly still do, that telling a 16 year old (or 17, 18, 19…) that relapse is part of recovery, you’ve just given them permission to use. In my mind it was like a free pass, like an excused absence in school….it was crazy in my mind!!

Jake was diagnosed with Poly Substance abuse and depression. It came to light during this time that he really had no drug of choice, he would try anything, and he would use anything. Another blow to the gut for me. Where would this madness end? My head wouldn’t stop spinning! Like other parents I went through all the questions: How did this happen? How did I not see this? What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? What if his dad and I had stayed together? I knew his friends, didn’t I? I talked to other parents!! I am close to my children!!!  All I wanted was to be a good mother?Why me God? I was the easy child…this isn’t fair!!! How could this happen to me? To my child?!?!

The three months I was at home with Jake, I became his shadow…I was terrified to let him out of my sight and so I didn’t for a long time.

By the end of this brief round of treatment Jake had broken one of the cardinal rules…DO NOT form relationships. Just as Jake was about done at this center, a young girl arrived. She was in for meth addiction. She was a little more than a year older than Jake, very cute, very funny, very charismatic and lived just a few blocks from us…a disaster waiting to happen. At first they would see each other at NA meetings and then they started hanging out together. Next thing you know, they’re all wound up in a “relationship” which was neither healthy nor stable and just something else that would add total chaos to our lives. They were together constantly, they fought, they lied to each other, they couldn’t trust each other….just more insanity. Naturally, it didn’t take all that long before they relapsed together, would say they were not using anymore, just to relapse again…this happened numerous times.

Her family had sold their house and moved back home to Seattle….finally, several months later, she followed, with a little pushing. She and I had actually gotten very close and I really cared deeply for her and her well being…I was as sick as they were; for almost a year I had 2 addicts to worry about and look after, of my own doing.

Jake continued to lie and manipulate all of us and usually get away with it. Throughout all of this he was in counseling. We went through a series of counselors, psychologists and one psychiatrist. There was testing to see if we were dealing with any undiagnosed disorders or mental illnesses….nothing, just ADHD, which we already knew, poly substance abuse and depression.

There were a series of crazy events that went on. While going through his stuff one time, I opened one of his dresser drawers and found it full of cash, 20’s, 50’s, 100’s….I was just stunned, dumbfounded. I just kept starring at it, trying to figure out what was going on….then the panic set in!! He was counterfeiting money…a federal offense…and in my home, somehow under my very nose!!! Had he finally lost whatever was left of his mind?!?! This wasn’t a stupid kid, matter a fact he has (or had) a higher than normal IQ…so what the hell was he thinking and no wonder my printer was out of ink again so soon. I shredded most of it and only hung onto some of it to confront him with. Of course he totally down played this event, it’s no big deal mom, I was just playing around, you can tell it’s not even real, I didn’t try to use it, I’m not stupid, mom!! He had a way of always keeping me second guessing myself…he’s good, he’s very good. Praise God, I’ve come a long way since back then…momma can still be fooled sometimes, but not nearly as easily and not nearly as often!!

I was fortunate that there were a few kids that would pass along information to me about Jake and his activities or where abouts (there were actually a few that cared about him). These tips were given on the sly of course and I never divulged my sources, much to Jake’s chagrin. This was war, my tears were fewer and I was finally getting angry, very angy and fed up. I downloaded his phone records daily, identified the ones I could, made notes, noted nicknames, real names, male, female, dealers, users, addresses, anything and everything I could find out went on this spread sheet, including a few mug shots of people I knew that he knew. I would even sit and call these numbers, taking on various personas to elicit information…I was amazed at the information these kids would give out just because they believed I was some hot little chick that saw them at some party!! They would buy this crap hook. Line and sinker, every time….it was just crazy!! I still have this spreadsheet to this day…could never bring myself to destroy it….not yet anyway – I pray I live to see the day that I am confident that this “work of art” is finally useless and I’m finally able to destroy it.

As things continued to spiral downward, Jake began disappearing. He would stay here and there, but never too long in one place. I would call around looking for him and while none of these kids where going to rat him out I was able to smoke him out eventually by telling everyone I reached that he had cops from two different communities looking for him and that he was in really big trouble and anyone caught with him would go down to. I also told them that I had turned all their numbers over to the cops. This worked quite well since Jake told me later that he ended up sleeping in parks and out at the lake because his “friends” said he had too much “heat” attached to him!! He also told me on a few occasions to stop calling people (remember my spreadsheet?) because all his friends thought I was crazy!! Good, my evil plan is working then! That is exactly what I want them to think! Needless to say, this was a full time job chasing him around town and scaring all his dumbass friends.

I received a tip from one kid that knew Jake and other people they both knew. I was informed that later that night a drug deal was going down…Jake was out to buy cocaine from some Hispanic drug dealers working out of some low, low rent apartments, well known for illicit activity. He was funding this transaction with counterfeit money….the same “play” money that I had found months earlier. Apparently, I hadn’t found all of it. I went into instant panic mode…I was terrified that he was going to get himself killed. I called his dad and filled him in. He headed out immediately. I called the police, explained everything, including that my son had money on my computer. Much to my total shock and amazement, I was told there was nothing, I repeat, NOTHING they could do until and unless my son was caught using the counterfeit money…unbelievable!! And, they wouldn’t go check out the drug buy either because I was told it’s a Friday night and the police are very busy already over in this particular area of town and unless I had a specific address to give them then there really wasn’t much they could do. Unbelievable!!! So, Jake’s dad arrived at these apartments, drove around until he spotted a car driving very slowly with a few kids inside. He parked and watched this whole sorted thing go down!! He was prepared and ready to act if necessary, but didn’t want anyone to get hurt, so he just watched and waited. Everything went smoothly and he followed the car to a convenience store where he intercepted Jake, messed up, but not resisting. We never really had problems with Jake resisting or getting hateful or belligerent or violent. He seemed to know when he was “caught” and would just get kind of quite. The way he resisted was to just disappear…if they can’t find me, they can’t do anything. Jake’s dad brought him home (to my house), we sat and talked, yelled, talked and yelled some more until about 3 AM. It was at this point, after this night, that we knew that Jake needed more intensive treatment. I began searching for the right place for him….this just had to work this time!! He got his “free” relapses, now it was time to get into recovery again and this time stay there….or was it???

Back Where It All Began....Part I

So, where to begin…. This blog is something I’ve been meaning to start for quite a while now but, beginning seemed to be the hardest part. My journey began a little over 5 years ago, yet seems like decades ago. I’m Kristi; I’m the adult child of an alcoholic. I’m wife to a wonderful man that it took me three shots to finally get right. I’m mom to 3 wonderful children: mine & my husband’s only child together, our son who is 6 months old and so precious to us, a beautiful & smart daughter that’s 16 and my oldest at nearly 20, Jake - he is my heart and he is my addict…this is our story.

How can 5 ½ years seem like a lifetime somtimes? It amazes me when I stop and recount all that has transpired in such a short period of time – never a dull moment (although I long for them!). A little back ground first - Jake was diagnosed with ADHD at a relatively young age, in my opinion….he was right at 6 and I was told he was a “textbook case.” He was a very energetic child, full of wonder and seemingly happy. His dad & I separated & divorced when Jake was 7. About 5 years later I re-married for the 2nd time…to an alcoholic who had never had kids; this marriage should have never happened. I’ve often wondered where the hell my head was at that time in my life…what was I thinking? He was a nice guy, not the abusive kind of drunk, just “Joe Party” all the time. I’m sure this situation that I put us all in, did absolutely nothing to deter the events that were about to unfold. Husband #2 just wasn’t cut out to be a husband and certainly not a parent…I wonder how much of an influence this little detour in our lives had on my 2 kids at that time? As for his drinking, it was an every single day occurrence which he was unwilling to change…he didn’t see that there was a problem regardless of the fact that I had a son in the early days of his struggle with addiction. Husband #2 even went so far as to give Jake a beer after he had been to rehab the first time!!! What the hell?!?! He said that was his way of bonding with my son!! Bonding? Take that crap somewhere else pal, you are out of here and out he went!

Around Junior High (6th grade) is when things began to go south. Jake seemed to become more of a follower than the leader he had always demonstrated that he was. He always gravitated to older kids (8th graders in this case). It seemed like I was always getting calls from the school….Jake pierced some kids ear in the cafeteria before school, Jake isn’t doing his school work, we think Jacob and others are sniffing markers, we have a group of girls that idolize Jake and it’s recently been discovered that they are cutting…we noticed scratches on jakes arm….and on and on. Jake was 12 years old the first time he was caught smoking weed….12!! I was blown away!! I wasn’t naive enough to think that he would never experiment with pot, but never in a million years would I have believed that I would be dealing with that at 12.

Just after Jake turned 15 is when the bottom seemed to fall out. I don’t know what it was, but every year, a couple of months into the new school year, everything seemed to get really crazy with Jake….I began to dread September/October every year. In late September 2005 I asked his doctor to set up a lab appointment for Jake and that I wanted blood and urine tests and wanted him tested for anything and everything. I didn’t really know what was going on, but I knew something wasn’t right. He came back positive for THC and alcohol. His doctor recommended that we get him into an outpatient program. Its funny when I look back…I remember his doctor telling him that he was an addict and him looking at her with these huge brown eyes like she was crazy and saying, “What? I’m not a drug addict, that’s crazy…are you serious?!?” Of course at the time I have to say that I was agreement with him (although I never let him know that!). I have never condoned the use of marijuana or anything else, but he was a teenage boy and we were talking a little weed here, nothing else, right? Addict was a term I associated with a person that had a serious drug dependency on serious drugs, that wasn’t able to stop….wasn’t it?

At this time I was about to take a trip to Italy for 2 weeks. My kids were going to stay with their dad while I was gone. So, my ex-husband began looking into outpatient programs in our area. He found one and said that he’d get Jake started immediately. Great! Two weeks later Jake, flowers in hand, was at my gate to greet me upon my return from Italy…this was a Saturday afternoon. He was so happy to see me and couldn’t wait to tell me all about this outpatient program he was in and how good he was doing. A little later he asked if he could spend the night with a friend who I believed was a good kid and whose mom kept a close eye on him. Sunday morning around 8 AM I received a call from our local police. Jake had been breaking into cars in an apartment complex and I was asked to come get him. When I got there, my son was passed out in the back seat of the squad car, totally and completely out of it. This is what happens when kids mix alcohol with 5 mg. of Xanax. Jake was placed into treatment for the first time that day. Two weeks in-patient, 1 week intensive out-patient followed up with aftercare and 90 in 90 in NA. He was diagnosed with poly substance abuse and depression. Aren’t all addicts depressed? I never really got this…. At this point, I was a total and complete wreck.

This was to be the beginning of a journey to hell with my son, my heart….