About Me

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Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas, United States
I'm mom to 3 beautiful children, wife to a wonderful man who is the love of my life and grandmother, "Nonna", to a beautiful grandson. Like too many others out there, I am the mother of an addict. I am still learning to deal with things in a healthy way and have a life inspite of the insanity that addiction produces. I am very blessed to have found this community of amazing people that share so much of themselves with us all through their blogs. You are all an inspiration to me. I share your struggles, your pain, your joys and all your hopes. I pray for the addicts still out there suffering and for the people that love them the most. My heart felt thanks to each & every one of you! May God's mercy and grace be with us all, Kristi

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Little Pearls of Wisdom

You know how sometimes someone says something that for whatever reason just makes a great impression on you? It’s usually some simple truth that for some reason just really speaks to you?

About a year ago my husband said two things that for whatever reason were profound for me. One was a question, one was a statement. We were having a conversation about Jacob, although I couldn’t tell you now about what. Suffice it to say that this time last year, Jacob was way out of control and in full blown life destruction mode, which gave us many topics of conversation where Jacob was concerned and me a full array of things to worry and stress over. Let me first say that I, like others, sometimes struggle with detachment and enabling. There are times where it’s very difficult for me to differentiate between loving Jacob and enabling him. That line is often times very blurry for me. So, we were in the kitchen one evening, talking about Jacob and my husband asked me, “Is there nothing you wouldn’t do to save Jacob?” Without hesitation I responded “No, nothing.” He looked at me and simply said, “Then do it.” I knew without hesitation what he was saying. The time was now to do exactly that, “nothing” for Jacob’s own sake. I was enabling more than I realized at that time. It’s easier for those not as close to the fire to have a more clear view of what’s going on.

And then came a simple statement that I’ll never forget. It wasn’t ingenious or necessarily profound, well okay, for me perhaps it was profound…it spoke to me and it was said with complete sincerity. As our talk wrapping up, my husband turned to look at me and said, “I’m not asking you to stop loving Jacob, I’m asking you to love him enough.” WOW! This opened my eyes in a way I hadn’t done before. These simple words were so thought provoking for me….is this what it’s really about? Is this what it really comes down to? Was I letting my own fears get in the way of doing what I needed to do where Jacob was concerned? I think there’s times when it’s easier to enable than not enable.

     If I turn him away he might overdose…I can’t not answer his call, what if he’s hurt? What if he’s
     scared?  What if he’s hungry? How can I turn my back on him, he’ll think I’ve given up on him  
     and that’s 
the only hope he has. How can I leave him in jail? What if he gets hurt in there…or  
     worse? What if needs me? He can’t help this stuff… He just needs some help digging his way out
     this one time…again…

I’m not speaking for anyone here but myself….these are some of the little mind games I have played with myself at times. I know they’re crazy and when things are going good I can see that very clearly, but in the heat of battle there have been times where I’ve gotten sucked into the madness of it all.

I think sometimes I’ve done things as much to protect myself as Jacob. If I truly love Jacob more than life itself, and I do, then I have to be strong and put what is in his best interest above any and all fears, no matter how hard that might be. Because my friends, at the end of the day, this is love.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Spiritual River - a website

This is a website I stumbled onto and as it turned out I couldn't quit reading!!  The author of this website is an addict who has been clean, sober and in recovery for over 8 years.  I think there is really good information here....if you have time, look it over.


Sunday, July 11, 2010

Happy Birthday

Yesterday was Jacob’s birthday. He turned 20 years old officially as of 3:25 yesterday morning. Today he is clean and has been for about 6 ½ months now. Today he is working. Today he is father to his beautiful 7 month old son. Today he is doing pretty well.
As I do from time to time, I’ve been thinking back over the past 20 years….where did all that time go? As I do every birthday, I reflect on this particular day 20 years ago, how happy and fulfilled I was, how beautiful and healthy he was. So many hopes and dreams. I think back to those early years and what a joy he was as a baby, toddler and little boy….how I long for that child of mine! I’ve said a million times and will say again; if I could take away the addiction component of him I would have the perfect kid. Jacob is and always has been a loving, giving, sensitive, funny and sweet boy. I guess I’m somewhat lucky that he is also this way even through addiction. I guess I’ve been fortunate on one hand that he isn’t abusive, mean or violent in his addiction; although on the other hand I’ve often wondered if he were, would it make it easier for me to detach when needed? Who knows, perhaps not.
Through this journey I’ve come to realize that while Jacob will never be President, a doctor or a lawyer, a nuclear scientist or even CEO of some big corporation, that’s okay. What is most important to me is that he beat and survive this thing called addiction, find peace, joy, contentment and hope in his life, be a responsible and functioning member of society and above all be happy….these are my hopes and dreams.
 I love you Jacob, Happy Birthday!