You know how sometimes someone says something that for whatever reason just makes a great impression on you? It’s usually some simple truth that for some reason just really speaks to you?
About a year ago my husband said two things that for whatever reason were profound for me. One was a question, one was a statement. We were having a conversation about Jacob, although I couldn’t tell you now about what. Suffice it to say that this time last year, Jacob was way out of control and in full blown life destruction mode, which gave us many topics of conversation where Jacob was concerned and me a full array of things to worry and stress over. Let me first say that I, like others, sometimes struggle with detachment and enabling. There are times where it’s very difficult for me to differentiate between loving Jacob and enabling him. That line is often times very blurry for me. So, we were in the kitchen one evening, talking about Jacob and my husband asked me, “Is there nothing you wouldn’t do to save Jacob?” Without hesitation I responded “No, nothing.” He looked at me and simply said, “Then do it.” I knew without hesitation what he was saying. The time was now to do exactly that, “nothing” for Jacob’s own sake. I was enabling more than I realized at that time. It’s easier for those not as close to the fire to have a more clear view of what’s going on.
And then came a simple statement that I’ll never forget. It wasn’t ingenious or necessarily profound, well okay, for me perhaps it was profound…it spoke to me and it was said with complete sincerity. As our talk wrapping up, my husband turned to look at me and said, “I’m not asking you to stop loving Jacob, I’m asking you to love him enough.” WOW! This opened my eyes in a way I hadn’t done before. These simple words were so thought provoking for me….is this what it’s really about? Is this what it really comes down to? Was I letting my own fears get in the way of doing what I needed to do where Jacob was concerned? I think there’s times when it’s easier to enable than not enable.
If I turn him away he might overdose…I can’t not answer his call, what if he’s hurt? What if he’s
scared? What if he’s hungry? How can I turn my back on him, he’ll think I’ve given up on him
and that’s the only hope he has. How can I leave him in jail? What if he gets hurt in there…or
worse? What if needs me? He can’t help this stuff… He just needs some help digging his way out
this one time…again…
I’m not speaking for anyone here but myself….these are some of the little mind games I have played with myself at times. I know they’re crazy and when things are going good I can see that very clearly, but in the heat of battle there have been times where I’ve gotten sucked into the madness of it all.
I think sometimes I’ve done things as much to protect myself as Jacob. If I truly love Jacob more than life itself, and I do, then I have to be strong and put what is in his best interest above any and all fears, no matter how hard that might be. Because my friends, at the end of the day, this is love.
- Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas, United States
- I'm mom to 3 beautiful children, wife to a wonderful man who is the love of my life and grandmother, "Nonna", to a beautiful grandson. Like too many others out there, I am the mother of an addict. I am still learning to deal with things in a healthy way and have a life inspite of the insanity that addiction produces. I am very blessed to have found this community of amazing people that share so much of themselves with us all through their blogs. You are all an inspiration to me. I share your struggles, your pain, your joys and all your hopes. I pray for the addicts still out there suffering and for the people that love them the most. My heart felt thanks to each & every one of you! May God's mercy and grace be with us all, Kristi
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
This is a website I stumbled onto and as it turned out I couldn't quit reading!! The author of this website is an addict who has been clean, sober and in recovery for over 8 years. I think there is really good information here....if you have time, look it over.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Yesterday was Jacob’s birthday. He turned 20 years old officially as of 3:25 yesterday morning. Today he is clean and has been for about 6 ½ months now. Today he is working. Today he is father to his beautiful 7 month old son. Today he is doing pretty well.
I love you Jacob, Happy Birthday!