Little Pearls of Wisdom

You know how sometimes someone says something that for whatever reason just makes a great impression on you? It’s usually some simple truth that for some reason just really speaks to you?


About a year ago my husband said two things that for whatever reason were profound for me. One was a question, one was a statement. We were having a conversation about Jacob, although I couldn’t tell you now about what. Suffice it to say that this time last year, Jacob was way out of control and in full blown life destruction mode, which gave us many topics of conversation where Jacob was concerned and me a full array of things to worry and stress over. Let me first say that I, like others, sometimes struggle with detachment and enabling. There are times where it’s very difficult for me to differentiate between loving Jacob and enabling him. That line is often times very blurry for me. So, we were in the kitchen one evening, talking about Jacob and my husband asked me, “Is there nothing you wouldn’t do to save Jacob?” Without hesitation I responded “No, nothing.” He looked at me and simply said, “Then do it.” I knew without hesitation what he was saying. The time was now to do exactly that, “nothing” for Jacob’s own sake. I was enabling more than I realized at that time. It’s easier for those not as close to the fire to have a more clear view of what’s going on.

And then came a simple statement that I’ll never forget. It wasn’t ingenious or necessarily profound, well okay, for me perhaps it was profound…it spoke to me and it was said with complete sincerity. As our talk wrapping up, my husband turned to look at me and said, “I’m not asking you to stop loving Jacob, I’m asking you to love him enough.” WOW! This opened my eyes in a way I hadn’t done before. These simple words were so thought provoking for me….is this what it’s really about? Is this what it really comes down to? Was I letting my own fears get in the way of doing what I needed to do where Jacob was concerned? I think there’s times when it’s easier to enable than not enable.

     If I turn him away he might overdose…I can’t not answer his call, what if he’s hurt? What if he’s
     scared?  What if he’s hungry? How can I turn my back on him, he’ll think I’ve given up on him  
     and that’s the only hope he has. How can I leave him in jail? What if he gets hurt in there…or  
     worse? What if needs me? He can’t help this stuff… He just needs some help digging his way out
     this one time…again…

I’m not speaking for anyone here but myself….these are some of the little mind games I have played with myself at times. I know they’re crazy and when things are going good I can see that very clearly, but in the heat of battle there have been times where I’ve gotten sucked into the madness of it all.

I think sometimes I’ve done things as much to protect myself as Jacob. If I truly love Jacob more than life itself, and I do, then I have to be strong and put what is in his best interest above any and all fears, no matter how hard that might be. Because my friends, at the end of the day, this is love.

Spiritual River - a website

This is a website I stumbled onto and as it turned out I couldn't quit reading!!  The author of this website is an addict who has been clean, sober and in recovery for over 8 years.  I think there is really good information here....if you have time, look it over.

http://www.spiritualriver.com/

Happy Birthday

Yesterday was Jacob’s birthday. He turned 20 years old officially as of 3:25 yesterday morning. Today he is clean and has been for about 6 ½ months now. Today he is working. Today he is father to his beautiful 7 month old son. Today he is doing pretty well.

As I do from time to time, I’ve been thinking back over the past 20 years….where did all that time go? As I do every birthday, I reflect on this particular day 20 years ago, how happy and fulfilled I was, how beautiful and healthy he was. So many hopes and dreams. I think back to those early years and what a joy he was as a baby, toddler and little boy….how I long for that child of mine! I’ve said a million times and will say again; if I could take away the addiction component of him I would have the perfect kid. Jacob is and always has been a loving, giving, sensitive, funny and sweet boy. I guess I’m somewhat lucky that he is also this way even through addiction. I guess I’ve been fortunate on one hand that he isn’t abusive, mean or violent in his addiction; although on the other hand I’ve often wondered if he were, would it make it easier for me to detach when needed? Who knows, perhaps not.

Through this journey I’ve come to realize that while Jacob will never be President, a doctor or a lawyer, a nuclear scientist or even CEO of some big corporation, that’s okay. What is most important to me is that he beat and survive this thing called addiction, find peace, joy, contentment and hope in his life, be a responsible and functioning member of society and above all be happy….these are my hopes and dreams.

 I love you Jacob, Happy Birthday!

Memorial Weekend

I had a great Memorial weekend!  Diane, my best friend of 30 years came up from the Austin area along with her husband and son (who is also my God son).  Our niece (mine and hers) graduated from high school Friday night.  We all went to the graduation and then to dinner and had a really nice time together.  Diane and I don’t get to see each other as often as we used to, so I really look forward to the times we’re able to spend together.  Diane is Jacob’s Godmother and as close to a sister as I will ever know.  I am very blessed to have her in my life!!  She is the most together, rational, even-keeled person I have ever known.  She has always been there for me.  She loves Jacob dearly.  He too is fortunate.

Years ago I began to hold my breath whenever a holiday was upon us, no matter how big or small, holiday’s usually meant something was on the horizon and it usually wasn’t a good thing.  Not that addicts need any excuse or reason to use, but there just seems to be something about holidays that seems to trigger crazier than usual occurrences.  I’m happy to be able to report that Jacob didn’t find any new trouble and he stayed clean (over 5 months and counting, this time).  But this isn’t to say that it was a non-eventful holiday weekend. 

Saturday I received a call from an old childhood friend of Jacob’s (who I’ll refer to as P), who touches base with me a few time a year.  He called to let me know about a tragedy that had occurred earlier that morning.  

There’s another young man (who I’ll refer to as T) that Jake goes back to childhood with.  I have pictures of the two of them with fishing poles and caught fish in hand.  This was back when they were just silly little boys doing what silly little boys do.  As they reached the teen years they became a combustible combination.  Alone, each found plenty of trouble; together they were a train wreck for trouble.  Both Jake and T ended up with drug problems as well as legal problems.  Jacob spent a little more than the first 2 months of this year in county jail along with T, for a crime they were both charged with.  Jacob swears to this day that he had nothing to do with that crime….I believe him, following a brief investigation, his attorney also believed him (I go more into this drama in later post).  

T was shot in the back of the neck by another young man he had been arguing with at some residence they were both at.  He just turned 20, two weeks earlier.  What a senseless tragedy. 

One young woman, who’s part of this group of kids that have grown up together, partied together, gotten in trouble together….posted on her facebook:  “Death after death after death – when will it stop?”  They seriously just don’t get it and it just leaves me shaking my head and totally dumbfounded.

I’ve really worried about how Jacob would deal or not deal with this loss, since his normal mode of operation is just not to deal with anything painful.  Normally, this would be a huge trigger and he would totally check out.  To date, so far, so good….he was very emotional, upset and angry when he found out about T’s death.  His girlfriend told me that as long as he stayed busy he seemed to do okay.  But that if someone called asking if he’d heard anything else or if he sat around with nothing to occupy him, he would get all wound up again.  Jacob, his girlfriend and their baby (my grandson) came over and hung out with all of us on Sunday night…he looked good and he had a really nice time being with family and good friends.  

Please keep Jacob in your prayers that he continues to deal with this tragedy in a responsible and healthy manner.  Also, please remember in prayer T’s mother….she has one son in and out of prison and yesterday she laid her youngest to rest.  One tragedy after another….my heart just stays in pieces…..

Back Where It All Began...Part III of III

Like many of you out there, I looked into numerous residential treatment programs searching for that one place that spoke to me, that was perfect for Jacob; that would make all the difference.  I searched high and low, off and on for months.  There had been times that I’d looked into treatment programs and then things would seem to calm down and I’d put it off a little longer (thinking everything was finally okay).   Then, the day came when I knew without a doubt that residential treatment was Jake’s only hope and was exactly where he belonged.  I went onto the internet and for the first time I found a program I had never come across before….Resolution Ranch.  I knew immediately that this was the program I’d been looking for.  I called immediately and spoke to the program director.  At that time the ranch had 1 available bed.

Now, getting Jake to this treatment facility proved to be somewhat of a challenge.  He was spinning more and more out of control. He ran away regularly and I called the cops regularly.  It seemed like every time I turned around there was a squad car in front of my house.  This was somewhat embarrassing at first, but its funny how you get to a point with some things where you just don’t care anymore….I had bigger fish to fry!!  I’m sure the neighbors found plenty to talk about.

Jake was 16, almost 17 at this time and he wasn’t thrilled about going to treatment, but was going none the less.  I took a few days off work to shop for things he needed for his extensive stay, pack and get him there.  Me, Jacob, my mom (his grandmother) and his sister spent the day shopping for necessities, doing lunch, talking about what a positive experience this was going to be, about how this was the new beginning of his life….we had a really nice day together and then at the last store we were at, he disappeared.  He had borrowed his sister’s phone and called and had someone pick him up from the store.  Typical. 

I called the ranch, explained my situation and was told that they could hold the bed for a couple of days to see if I was able to round Jake up.  But, there was another family with a kid waiting for a bed to open up.  I called the next day and told them to give the bed to the family that needed it.  Jake was gone about a week when he wrecked a friend’s car and the police were called.  He didn’t run.  He even told them that there was probably a run-a-way charge on him.  He would tell me later that he was tired or running and that’s why he didn’t.  Now, I had been speaking with a detective at this time about some something Jake was involved in or had information on (I can’t recall what it was all about….this was a common occurrence with Jake and the authorities).  This detective told me that when Jake was picked up this time he would make sure that he was sent to the juvenile justice center at our county jail….he (Jake) obviously wasn’t getting the picture.  So, when a woman from the police station called and said that I needed to come pick up my kid, I said “Oh NO!!  You need to speak to detective so & so about this.”  It’s funny when I think about it because I had spent the previous couple of years and so much of my energy trying to save Jake from himself and keeping him "out" of the juvenile justice system and now, here I was welcoming it with open arms!! 

Shortly after Jake arrived at JJ, I received a call from a juvenile detention officer telling me I needed to come and pick up my son.  I told him no, that they were supposed to keep him, at least over night!  I was then told that if I didn’t come get him sometime that evening, charges would be filed against me for abandonment!!!  WHAT?!?!  Unbelievable!!!  So, my ex-husband (Jake’s dad) and I went up there and spent an hour arguing why it was important for him to stay there.  The intake officer told us that by law they could not keep Jake because he did not have a record.  I explained that the only reason he didn’t have a record was because he just hadn’t been caught yet!!  I explained that if the law would come down harder on these kids at a younger age, maybe some of this crap wouldn’t happen later.  So how this ended was that we had to refuse to take him.  By doing this, they were able to detain him until he could be sent in front of a judge which wouldn’t be until the following morning.  This works, we’ll take it!!

The following morning, there we were, standing before a juvenile justice judge when Jake was brought in wearing the traditional orange jumpsuit, with bowed head….he never once looked at us or spoke. This judge was one tough cookie (YAY!!)....I guess when working with wayward youths for a living, this is a must!!  It was explained to the judge (by some woman that worked the courts) that Jake was detained because he was a flight risk and that we, his parents, were trying to get him into treatment.  We then explained that a bed would be available the following day.  She asked if we could guarantee Jake’s where abouts, my ex told her no, not unless he handcuffed him to himself.  She quickly ordered him to stay put in JJ until the following day when we could get him to treatment – YAY!!!!  The following morning we arrived at the courts with my brother in tow to help in case Jake tried anything….we were hell bent on getting him to treatment this time and it was 5 hours away by car.  I didn’t really expect Jake to do anything, that’s just not his M.O. typically.  He was very somber and emotional on the drive south.  He told me he was tired, didn’t want to live like this anymore and he was emotional about being so far away for 6 to 12 months…we’ve always been so close and we’d never been apart prior to this.  It was a cool, rainy day as we began our drive to South Texas; it was Friday, April 13, 2007.

The Ranch

Resolution Ranch, a residential treatment facility for trouble teenage boys aged 13 to 17, a functioning ranch located on 500 acres in South Texas.  This is where Jake lived for 8 months.  This is where he learned valuable life skills, where he was clean, where he found clarity in his life, where he learned to cope with out the aid of any ADHD meds, where he grew and matured, where he made plans for his life, set goals, worked a program, where he thrived and where he found peace.  If only he could have stayed there forever. 

I've decided to do a separate post on the Ranch…which will follow soon.

Looking back on the past 5 years, it’s no surprise really, what a train wreck I became, our lives became, Jacob became…. through all of those ups and downs.  But, I believe today that I’ve grown and I've made some progress since way back then.  I’m not completely “there”….I’m not really sure I’ll ever actually “arrive”, but I'll keep plodding along in that right direction.

I have no regrets about any decisions I’ve made or actions I’ve taken on this journey through hell and my quest to see my son whole again.  I pray continuously and ever diligently that this story of his has a happy ending, but if that’s not to be, I will not look back and wonder what if I had done this or done that.     

Back Where It All Began....Part II

As I mentioned in part 1, when Jake went into treatment for the first time, I literally fell apart at the seams, to say I was a total and complete wreck would be an understatement. I didn’t know what to do, how to do it and I was terrified!! My doctor took me off work for 3 months and put me on anti-depressants. I remember sitting in group counseling at this treatment facility, with other families, and I recall hearing, more than once, a mom or dad say “Hi, I’m so & so’s mom or dad and this is our 3rd time back,” WHAT?? Third time back? Third time to go through this? OH HELL NO!!! I didn’t think I was going to survive just one time and here they were doing this 3 and 4 times!?!?! God help me!!


I remember the counselors telling us that about 80% of the kids there would go back to using. They kept telling us that relapse was a part of recovery. I had such a hard time getting my head around this one. I understand now that relapse is a part of recovery (sort of), but I believed then and frankly still do, that telling a 16 year old (or 17, 18, 19…) that relapse is part of recovery, you’ve just given them permission to use. In my mind it was like a free pass, like an excused absence in school….it was crazy in my mind!!

Jake was diagnosed with Poly Substance abuse and depression. It came to light during this time that he really had no drug of choice, he would try anything, and he would use anything. Another blow to the gut for me. Where would this madness end? My head wouldn’t stop spinning! Like other parents I went through all the questions: How did this happen? How did I not see this? What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? What if his dad and I had stayed together? I knew his friends, didn’t I? I talked to other parents!! I am close to my children!!!  All I wanted was to be a good mother?Why me God? I was the easy child…this isn’t fair!!! How could this happen to me? To my child?!?!

The three months I was at home with Jake, I became his shadow…I was terrified to let him out of my sight and so I didn’t for a long time.

By the end of this brief round of treatment Jake had broken one of the cardinal rules…DO NOT form relationships. Just as Jake was about done at this center, a young girl arrived. She was in for meth addiction. She was a little more than a year older than Jake, very cute, very funny, very charismatic and lived just a few blocks from us…a disaster waiting to happen. At first they would see each other at NA meetings and then they started hanging out together. Next thing you know, they’re all wound up in a “relationship” which was neither healthy nor stable and just something else that would add total chaos to our lives. They were together constantly, they fought, they lied to each other, they couldn’t trust each other….just more insanity. Naturally, it didn’t take all that long before they relapsed together, would say they were not using anymore, just to relapse again…this happened numerous times.

Her family had sold their house and moved back home to Seattle….finally, several months later, she followed, with a little pushing. She and I had actually gotten very close and I really cared deeply for her and her well being…I was as sick as they were; for almost a year I had 2 addicts to worry about and look after, of my own doing.

Jake continued to lie and manipulate all of us and usually get away with it. Throughout all of this he was in counseling. We went through a series of counselors, psychologists and one psychiatrist. There was testing to see if we were dealing with any undiagnosed disorders or mental illnesses….nothing, just ADHD, which we already knew, poly substance abuse and depression.

There were a series of crazy events that went on. While going through his stuff one time, I opened one of his dresser drawers and found it full of cash, 20’s, 50’s, 100’s….I was just stunned, dumbfounded. I just kept starring at it, trying to figure out what was going on….then the panic set in!! He was counterfeiting money…a federal offense…and in my home, somehow under my very nose!!! Had he finally lost whatever was left of his mind?!?! This wasn’t a stupid kid, matter a fact he has (or had) a higher than normal IQ…so what the hell was he thinking and no wonder my printer was out of ink again so soon. I shredded most of it and only hung onto some of it to confront him with. Of course he totally down played this event, it’s no big deal mom, I was just playing around, you can tell it’s not even real, I didn’t try to use it, I’m not stupid, mom!! He had a way of always keeping me second guessing myself…he’s good, he’s very good. Praise God, I’ve come a long way since back then…momma can still be fooled sometimes, but not nearly as easily and not nearly as often!!

I was fortunate that there were a few kids that would pass along information to me about Jake and his activities or where abouts (there were actually a few that cared about him). These tips were given on the sly of course and I never divulged my sources, much to Jake’s chagrin. This was war, my tears were fewer and I was finally getting angry, very angy and fed up. I downloaded his phone records daily, identified the ones I could, made notes, noted nicknames, real names, male, female, dealers, users, addresses, anything and everything I could find out went on this spread sheet, including a few mug shots of people I knew that he knew. I would even sit and call these numbers, taking on various personas to elicit information…I was amazed at the information these kids would give out just because they believed I was some hot little chick that saw them at some party!! They would buy this crap hook. Line and sinker, every time….it was just crazy!! I still have this spreadsheet to this day…could never bring myself to destroy it….not yet anyway – I pray I live to see the day that I am confident that this “work of art” is finally useless and I’m finally able to destroy it.

As things continued to spiral downward, Jake began disappearing. He would stay here and there, but never too long in one place. I would call around looking for him and while none of these kids where going to rat him out I was able to smoke him out eventually by telling everyone I reached that he had cops from two different communities looking for him and that he was in really big trouble and anyone caught with him would go down to. I also told them that I had turned all their numbers over to the cops. This worked quite well since Jake told me later that he ended up sleeping in parks and out at the lake because his “friends” said he had too much “heat” attached to him!! He also told me on a few occasions to stop calling people (remember my spreadsheet?) because all his friends thought I was crazy!! Good, my evil plan is working then! That is exactly what I want them to think! Needless to say, this was a full time job chasing him around town and scaring all his dumbass friends.

I received a tip from one kid that knew Jake and other people they both knew. I was informed that later that night a drug deal was going down…Jake was out to buy cocaine from some Hispanic drug dealers working out of some low, low rent apartments, well known for illicit activity. He was funding this transaction with counterfeit money….the same “play” money that I had found months earlier. Apparently, I hadn’t found all of it. I went into instant panic mode…I was terrified that he was going to get himself killed. I called his dad and filled him in. He headed out immediately. I called the police, explained everything, including that my son had money on my computer. Much to my total shock and amazement, I was told there was nothing, I repeat, NOTHING they could do until and unless my son was caught using the counterfeit money…unbelievable!! And, they wouldn’t go check out the drug buy either because I was told it’s a Friday night and the police are very busy already over in this particular area of town and unless I had a specific address to give them then there really wasn’t much they could do. Unbelievable!!! So, Jake’s dad arrived at these apartments, drove around until he spotted a car driving very slowly with a few kids inside. He parked and watched this whole sorted thing go down!! He was prepared and ready to act if necessary, but didn’t want anyone to get hurt, so he just watched and waited. Everything went smoothly and he followed the car to a convenience store where he intercepted Jake, messed up, but not resisting. We never really had problems with Jake resisting or getting hateful or belligerent or violent. He seemed to know when he was “caught” and would just get kind of quite. The way he resisted was to just disappear…if they can’t find me, they can’t do anything. Jake’s dad brought him home (to my house), we sat and talked, yelled, talked and yelled some more until about 3 AM. It was at this point, after this night, that we knew that Jake needed more intensive treatment. I began searching for the right place for him….this just had to work this time!! He got his “free” relapses, now it was time to get into recovery again and this time stay there….or was it???

Back Where It All Began....Part I

So, where to begin…. This blog is something I’ve been meaning to start for quite a while now but, beginning seemed to be the hardest part. My journey began a little over 5 years ago, yet seems like decades ago. I’m Kristi; I’m the adult child of an alcoholic. I’m wife to a wonderful man that it took me three shots to finally get right. I’m mom to 3 wonderful children: mine & my husband’s only child together, our son who is 6 months old and so precious to us, a beautiful & smart daughter that’s 16 and my oldest at nearly 20, Jake - he is my heart and he is my addict…this is our story.

How can 5 ½ years seem like a lifetime somtimes? It amazes me when I stop and recount all that has transpired in such a short period of time – never a dull moment (although I long for them!). A little back ground first - Jake was diagnosed with ADHD at a relatively young age, in my opinion….he was right at 6 and I was told he was a “textbook case.” He was a very energetic child, full of wonder and seemingly happy. His dad & I separated & divorced when Jake was 7. About 5 years later I re-married for the 2nd time…to an alcoholic who had never had kids; this marriage should have never happened. I’ve often wondered where the hell my head was at that time in my life…what was I thinking? He was a nice guy, not the abusive kind of drunk, just “Joe Party” all the time. I’m sure this situation that I put us all in, did absolutely nothing to deter the events that were about to unfold. Husband #2 just wasn’t cut out to be a husband and certainly not a parent…I wonder how much of an influence this little detour in our lives had on my 2 kids at that time? As for his drinking, it was an every single day occurrence which he was unwilling to change…he didn’t see that there was a problem regardless of the fact that I had a son in the early days of his struggle with addiction. Husband #2 even went so far as to give Jake a beer after he had been to rehab the first time!!! What the hell?!?! He said that was his way of bonding with my son!! Bonding? Take that crap somewhere else pal, you are out of here and out he went!

Around Junior High (6th grade) is when things began to go south. Jake seemed to become more of a follower than the leader he had always demonstrated that he was. He always gravitated to older kids (8th graders in this case). It seemed like I was always getting calls from the school….Jake pierced some kids ear in the cafeteria before school, Jake isn’t doing his school work, we think Jacob and others are sniffing markers, we have a group of girls that idolize Jake and it’s recently been discovered that they are cutting…we noticed scratches on jakes arm….and on and on. Jake was 12 years old the first time he was caught smoking weed….12!! I was blown away!! I wasn’t naive enough to think that he would never experiment with pot, but never in a million years would I have believed that I would be dealing with that at 12.

Just after Jake turned 15 is when the bottom seemed to fall out. I don’t know what it was, but every year, a couple of months into the new school year, everything seemed to get really crazy with Jake….I began to dread September/October every year. In late September 2005 I asked his doctor to set up a lab appointment for Jake and that I wanted blood and urine tests and wanted him tested for anything and everything. I didn’t really know what was going on, but I knew something wasn’t right. He came back positive for THC and alcohol. His doctor recommended that we get him into an outpatient program. Its funny when I look back…I remember his doctor telling him that he was an addict and him looking at her with these huge brown eyes like she was crazy and saying, “What? I’m not a drug addict, that’s crazy…are you serious?!?” Of course at the time I have to say that I was agreement with him (although I never let him know that!). I have never condoned the use of marijuana or anything else, but he was a teenage boy and we were talking a little weed here, nothing else, right? Addict was a term I associated with a person that had a serious drug dependency on serious drugs, that wasn’t able to stop….wasn’t it?

At this time I was about to take a trip to Italy for 2 weeks. My kids were going to stay with their dad while I was gone. So, my ex-husband began looking into outpatient programs in our area. He found one and said that he’d get Jake started immediately. Great! Two weeks later Jake, flowers in hand, was at my gate to greet me upon my return from Italy…this was a Saturday afternoon. He was so happy to see me and couldn’t wait to tell me all about this outpatient program he was in and how good he was doing. A little later he asked if he could spend the night with a friend who I believed was a good kid and whose mom kept a close eye on him. Sunday morning around 8 AM I received a call from our local police. Jake had been breaking into cars in an apartment complex and I was asked to come get him. When I got there, my son was passed out in the back seat of the squad car, totally and completely out of it. This is what happens when kids mix alcohol with 5 mg. of Xanax. Jake was placed into treatment for the first time that day. Two weeks in-patient, 1 week intensive out-patient followed up with aftercare and 90 in 90 in NA. He was diagnosed with poly substance abuse and depression. Aren’t all addicts depressed? I never really got this…. At this point, I was a total and complete wreck.

This was to be the beginning of a journey to hell with my son, my heart….