About Me

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Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas, United States
I'm mom to 3 beautiful children, wife to a wonderful man who is the love of my life and grandmother, "Nonna", to a beautiful grandson. Like too many others out there, I am the mother of an addict. I am still learning to deal with things in a healthy way and have a life inspite of the insanity that addiction produces. I am very blessed to have found this community of amazing people that share so much of themselves with us all through their blogs. You are all an inspiration to me. I share your struggles, your pain, your joys and all your hopes. I pray for the addicts still out there suffering and for the people that love them the most. My heart felt thanks to each & every one of you! May God's mercy and grace be with us all, Kristi

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Back Where It All Began...Part III of III

Like many of you out there, I looked into numerous residential treatment programs searching for that one place that spoke to me, that was perfect for Jacob; that would make all the difference.  I searched high and low, off and on for months.  There had been times that I’d looked into treatment programs and then things would seem to calm down and I’d put it off a little longer (thinking everything was finally okay).   Then, the day came when I knew without a doubt that residential treatment was Jake’s only hope and was exactly where he belonged.  I went onto the internet and for the first time I found a program I had never come across before….Resolution Ranch.  I knew immediately that this was the program I’d been looking for.  I called immediately and spoke to the program director.  At that time the ranch had 1 available bed.

Now, getting Jake to this treatment facility proved to be somewhat of a challenge.  He was spinning more and more out of control. He ran away regularly and I called the cops regularly.  It seemed like every time I turned around there was a squad car in front of my house.  This was somewhat embarrassing at first, but its funny how you get to a point with some things where you just don’t care anymore….I had bigger fish to fry!!  I’m sure the neighbors found plenty to talk about.

Jake was 16, almost 17 at this time and he wasn’t thrilled about going to treatment, but was going none the less.  I took a few days off work to shop for things he needed for his extensive stay, pack and get him there.  Me, Jacob, my mom (his grandmother) and his sister spent the day shopping for necessities, doing lunch, talking about what a positive experience this was going to be, about how this was the new beginning of his life….we had a really nice day together and then at the last store we were at, he disappeared.  He had borrowed his sister’s phone and called and had someone pick him up from the store.  Typical. 

I called the ranch, explained my situation and was told that they could hold the bed for a couple of days to see if I was able to round Jake up.  But, there was another family with a kid waiting for a bed to open up.  I called the next day and told them to give the bed to the family that needed it.  Jake was gone about a week when he wrecked a friend’s car and the police were called.  He didn’t run.  He even told them that there was probably a run-a-way charge on him.  He would tell me later that he was tired or running and that’s why he didn’t.  Now, I had been speaking with a detective at this time about some something Jake was involved in or had information on (I can’t recall what it was all about….this was a common occurrence with Jake and the authorities).  This detective told me that when Jake was picked up this time he would make sure that he was sent to the juvenile justice center at our county jail….he (Jake) obviously wasn’t getting the picture.  So, when a woman from the police station called and said that I needed to come pick up my kid, I said “Oh NO!!  You need to speak to detective so & so about this.”  It’s funny when I think about it because I had spent the previous couple of years and so much of my energy trying to save Jake from himself and keeping him "out" of the juvenile justice system and now, here I was welcoming it with open arms!! 

Shortly after Jake arrived at JJ, I received a call from a juvenile detention officer telling me I needed to come and pick up my son.  I told him no, that they were supposed to keep him, at least over night!  I was then told that if I didn’t come get him sometime that evening, charges would be filed against me for abandonment!!!  WHAT?!?!  Unbelievable!!!  So, my ex-husband (Jake’s dad) and I went up there and spent an hour arguing why it was important for him to stay there.  The intake officer told us that by law they could not keep Jake because he did not have a record.  I explained that the only reason he didn’t have a record was because he just hadn’t been caught yet!!  I explained that if the law would come down harder on these kids at a younger age, maybe some of this crap wouldn’t happen later.  So how this ended was that we had to refuse to take him.  By doing this, they were able to detain him until he could be sent in front of a judge which wouldn’t be until the following morning.  This works, we’ll take it!!

The following morning, there we were, standing before a juvenile justice judge when Jake was brought in wearing the traditional orange jumpsuit, with bowed head….he never once looked at us or spoke. This judge was one tough cookie (YAY!!)....I guess when working with wayward youths for a living, this is a must!!  It was explained to the judge (by some woman that worked the courts) that Jake was detained because he was a flight risk and that we, his parents, were trying to get him into treatment.  We then explained that a bed would be available the following day.  She asked if we could guarantee Jake’s where abouts, my ex told her no, not unless he handcuffed him to himself.  She quickly ordered him to stay put in JJ until the following day when we could get him to treatment – YAY!!!!  The following morning we arrived at the courts with my brother in tow to help in case Jake tried anything….we were hell bent on getting him to treatment this time and it was 5 hours away by car.  I didn’t really expect Jake to do anything, that’s just not his M.O. typically.  He was very somber and emotional on the drive south.  He told me he was tired, didn’t want to live like this anymore and he was emotional about being so far away for 6 to 12 months…we’ve always been so close and we’d never been apart prior to this.  It was a cool, rainy day as we began our drive to South Texas; it was Friday, April 13, 2007.

The Ranch

Resolution Ranch, a residential treatment facility for trouble teenage boys aged 13 to 17, a functioning ranch located on 500 acres in South Texas.  This is where Jake lived for 8 months.  This is where he learned valuable life skills, where he was clean, where he found clarity in his life, where he learned to cope with out the aid of any ADHD meds, where he grew and matured, where he made plans for his life, set goals, worked a program, where he thrived and where he found peace.  If only he could have stayed there forever. 

I've decided to do a separate post on the Ranch…which will follow soon.

Looking back on the past 5 years, it’s no surprise really, what a train wreck I became, our lives became, Jacob became…. through all of those ups and downs.  But, I believe today that I’ve grown and I've made some progress since way back then.  I’m not completely “there”….I’m not really sure I’ll ever actually “arrive”, but I'll keep plodding along in that right direction.

I have no regrets about any decisions I’ve made or actions I’ve taken on this journey through hell and my quest to see my son whole again.  I pray continuously and ever diligently that this story of his has a happy ending, but if that’s not to be, I will not look back and wonder what if I had done this or done that.     

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