About Me

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Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas, United States
I'm mom to 3 beautiful children, wife to a wonderful man who is the love of my life and grandmother, "Nonna", to a beautiful grandson. Like too many others out there, I am the mother of an addict. I am still learning to deal with things in a healthy way and have a life inspite of the insanity that addiction produces. I am very blessed to have found this community of amazing people that share so much of themselves with us all through their blogs. You are all an inspiration to me. I share your struggles, your pain, your joys and all your hopes. I pray for the addicts still out there suffering and for the people that love them the most. My heart felt thanks to each & every one of you! May God's mercy and grace be with us all, Kristi

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Another False Alarm?

 Well Jacob finally surfaced and not in jail as I was so sure he was. When I got him on the phone he was going off about how he didn't want to talk about C and all that drama, how he's sick of it, how he's 20 years old, how he's a grown man and doesn't have to check in daily and why does everyone freak out just because he doesn't answer a call or a text. 

I have failed to mention that he has, again, left the apartment that he and C were living in together (they made it about 2 weeks).  I love C, but I also know how she is. She is a very hard headed and needy young woman that can nag and criticise like no one I've ever seen before. She has this vision of how she wants everything to be and she is relentless at trying to transform this vision into reality.  She wants them to be this happy perfect little family which to some extent, I get.  But, the wild card in this scenario is my son, the addict.  Using or not, he still has addict behavior...he is not working a program, doesn't think he needs one...how unfortunate. 

C met with her attorney yesterday concerning serving Jacob with child support orders.  He'll likely be served at work since he refuses to tell anyone where he's staying.  She told me that she believes he's using again and she'll tell her attorney that as well.  I told her she needed to do whatever she feels she needs to do to take care of herself and my grandson.  She worries that everyone will blame her or hate her for doing this, which I keep assuring her we don't, we get it!!

Is he using again? That's the million dollar question...  I figure the answer is yes, he's probably using something.  What he's messing around with I couldn't venture a guess at this point.  He's still going in to work and I haven't encountered him obviously "messed up"...yet. But if all goes the way it always has in the past then it will just be a matter of time before the spiral out of countrol begins again.  I hope I'm wrong, because that's what we do...we hope!  But, as my husband says about Jacob, where there's smoke, there has always been fire.

One more thing I have failed to mention is that Jacob has 3 outstanding charges against him, 2 of which are carrying outstanding warrants.  So I suppose what may turn out to be a saving grace in this drama is that he will probably encounter the police eventually, perhaps when he is served with child support orders and then it'll be off to jail where he'll like sit for a while because one of these charges is a state jail felony charge for possession of a controlled substance - Meth.  This is another post all together. 

We live by the choices we make. 

Friday, September 24, 2010


Appears the ride has begun once again…just a few weeks shy of making it 9 months clean (this time). He is currently MIA and I suspect he is in jail somewhere. His phone is off and appears to have been off since sometime after 3 yesterday afternoon. I’ve checked all the obvious jails around here and he’s not there, or he just hasn’t hit their online system yet. I hate this with a passion so great I can’t begin to describe it, but I know all of you know exactly what I’m talking about anyway. Amazing how quick I can be catapulted back to not being able to focus on anything, not being able to breathe, feeling like I'm on the verge of panic and pretty much just being consumed with thoughts of where is he? Is he okay? If he is in jail, I can deal with that, I just need to know so I can start breathing again…. God, I hate this!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Did I Just Move Backward In The Line For The Rollercoaster? (Update to my previous post)

I want to preface this post with how last night ended. I received a call from C, which I really debated about answering. She was upset and crying, wanting to know if I had spoken to Jacob. I told her that I hadn’t and she went on to tell me that she was afraid that he was out doing things he’s not supposed to be doing and that they had been fighting over text but he refused to speak with her directly. So, after I hung up with her I tried to call Jake (I know, I know…this is where I get into trouble usually). Again he wouldn’t pick up his phone, but would only text. My first thought naturally was that he must be on something which was why wouldn’t speak to anyone directly. Although, all of his text messages made perfect sense and were completely coherent. We had the following text exchange:

     ME:  Is there a good reason why you won't answer your phone and talk to me?

     JAKE:  Because I'm busy mom can u not wait till tomorrow it's kinda late

     JAKE:  I have to work tomorrow

     ME:  Don't play with me Jake...it's only 9:25 and how busy can you be?

     JAKE:  I just don't want to hear the drama and that's all u could be calling about and I don't want to
                 hear it! Nobody sees or hears what happens to me behind the scenes so I don't want to hear the 
                 other gossip

     ME:  I'm going to bed...all I'm going to say is I sincerely hope you’re using your head and not doing
              anything stupid. Yours and Cathy's issues are just that, they're ya'lls. As I told you earlier, I'm not
              going to get involved in that area, but it's no longer just about you two, now there's a baby involved
              in all of this and HE is my concern. There is a right way to handle things and you don't have a good
              track record in that department. Ryan is the one I worry about. You are a father now and you do
              not have the privilege of checking in and out without serious consequences.

     JAKE:  I agree

So around noon today I sent C a text to check in on her and ask if she was doing okay today. About an hour later she responded saying that she was fine and that Jake came home last night. I asked how he was, figuring he was okay or she wouldn’t have let him come back and she would have been burning up my phone long before now. She said that she took my advise last night and did not engage, but just told Jake she was going to bed and to let her know when he was ready to come home and talk. So, for the first time, it appears that he didn’t do anything stupid and in the end made a good decision. He went home last night instead of staying out; he wasn’t high, just tired and a little irritated. So this time my story ends on a somewhat positive note; however, I know that tomorrow everything could be all upside down again. So I’m going to take it, be happy with it for as long as possible and remain ever cautiously hopeful, yet guarded….even if just for today.

In Line For The Rollercoaster….

Well, Jake, C and the baby have been in their new apartment a little more than a week and so it begins…. Just as I feared, it appears that impending disaster is looming large yet again…heavy sigh….. They had (yet another) fight, night before last, Jake got out of the car and took off walking. He hasn’t come back yet…. This is the first time he’s done this in nearly 9 months, so here we go again! I get so angry at him when he does this stuff. Not because I think he should stay and fight (they fight more than they get along), but because there is a right and responsible way to do things and frankly, his record in that department sucks. There is a baby involved this time and that changes everything in my book. I worry incessantly about Jake, just haven’t gotten to that point yet where I can put him and his problems out of my mind. But, having said that, he is a 20 year old man-child who is responsible for the choices he makes, but my grandson is only 9 months old and it infuriates me when I think of the damage that can be done to that innocent child simply because of the asinine choices of his father. The good news in this is that C, my grandson’s mother is not an addict, she despises that lifestyle and everything about it….except for my son, who she appears to genuinely love. For the life of me I don’t know why after all she’s dealt with over the past few years where he’s concerned. There is one problem though…..C doesn’t get “addiction”, frankly, she really doesn’t buy it all. She sees it as an excuse and a weakness. This makes it a little challenging when I try to explain behaviors and things to her. I’ve strongly suggested on many occasions that she do some research/reading on the subject if she really wants to understand and learn how to deal with it herself. I don’t think she’s done much in the way of this though….

Soooo, I don’t know if this is the beginning of that dreaded roller coaster ride again or not…probably is. This is how Jake’s relapses have always begun….he up and checks out and I have no reason to think he’ll do things differently this time. Could he check back in before he does anything stupid? I guess there’s always that chance but I won’t be holding my breath this time. I’ve become much more realistic in my thinking where he’s concerned than I once was. There was a time that I held onto any and all of his progress with a death grip. I was just telling my mom last night that in the past almost 9 months that Jake has done fairly good, stayed clean, got a job, I just haven’t felt the relief like I once would have, I didn’t feel as proud of him as I once would have with this much clean time….instead, I’ve felt like I’ve been standing in line for the roller coaster ride and I’m getting closer, won’t be ling because I can see the ride now, not long at all before I find myself sitting in the car, fastening the seat belt and holding on for dear life as the ride begins once again. I’ve decided that if I’m right and Jake is up to his old tricks, then I’m going to try my level best to make the best of a bad situation by putting into practice the right skills for dealing with an addict child. I will try not to enable, I will step aside and let the natural consequences occur and I will (with God’s help)let Jacob, on his own, figure out this life of his without my 2 cents ~ this will be the hardest one of all for me!.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I'm still here!!

Just wanted to to take a few minutes and post something to let you all know that I am still out here! It’s been so busy the last couple of months that I'm not sure sometimes if I'm coming or going, but I still make time to read all of your blogs and comment when and where I can. Also, I finally got my personal laptop fixed (YAY!) Turns out it was the video card which meant a new mother board and the best part of all is that it was all still under warranty, thank goodness!! I will be back blogging away soon!!

Other than that, things are going pretty good…Jake has just passed his 8 month clean mark ~ so far, so good. He, his son and baby momma are in the process of moving into their own apartment which I have a feeling will end in disaster, but I’m trying to remain hopeful and as optimistic as I can.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all….stay tuned….I’ll be back soon!!!