In Line For The Rollercoaster….

Well, Jake, C and the baby have been in their new apartment a little more than a week and so it begins…. Just as I feared, it appears that impending disaster is looming large yet again…heavy sigh….. They had (yet another) fight, night before last, Jake got out of the car and took off walking. He hasn’t come back yet…. This is the first time he’s done this in nearly 9 months, so here we go again! I get so angry at him when he does this stuff. Not because I think he should stay and fight (they fight more than they get along), but because there is a right and responsible way to do things and frankly, his record in that department sucks. There is a baby involved this time and that changes everything in my book. I worry incessantly about Jake, just haven’t gotten to that point yet where I can put him and his problems out of my mind. But, having said that, he is a 20 year old man-child who is responsible for the choices he makes, but my grandson is only 9 months old and it infuriates me when I think of the damage that can be done to that innocent child simply because of the asinine choices of his father. The good news in this is that C, my grandson’s mother is not an addict, she despises that lifestyle and everything about it….except for my son, who she appears to genuinely love. For the life of me I don’t know why after all she’s dealt with over the past few years where he’s concerned. There is one problem though…..C doesn’t get “addiction”, frankly, she really doesn’t buy it all. She sees it as an excuse and a weakness. This makes it a little challenging when I try to explain behaviors and things to her. I’ve strongly suggested on many occasions that she do some research/reading on the subject if she really wants to understand and learn how to deal with it herself. I don’t think she’s done much in the way of this though….

Soooo, I don’t know if this is the beginning of that dreaded roller coaster ride again or not…probably is. This is how Jake’s relapses have always begun….he up and checks out and I have no reason to think he’ll do things differently this time. Could he check back in before he does anything stupid? I guess there’s always that chance but I won’t be holding my breath this time. I’ve become much more realistic in my thinking where he’s concerned than I once was. There was a time that I held onto any and all of his progress with a death grip. I was just telling my mom last night that in the past almost 9 months that Jake has done fairly good, stayed clean, got a job, I just haven’t felt the relief like I once would have, I didn’t feel as proud of him as I once would have with this much clean time….instead, I’ve felt like I’ve been standing in line for the roller coaster ride and I’m getting closer, won’t be ling because I can see the ride now, not long at all before I find myself sitting in the car, fastening the seat belt and holding on for dear life as the ride begins once again. I’ve decided that if I’m right and Jake is up to his old tricks, then I’m going to try my level best to make the best of a bad situation by putting into practice the right skills for dealing with an addict child. I will try not to enable, I will step aside and let the natural consequences occur and I will (with God’s help)let Jacob, on his own, figure out this life of his without my 2 cents ~ this will be the hardest one of all for me!.