The Demons Are Alive and Well....

I can’t think, I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate on anything but him and will he live to see tomorrow….I can’t breathe.  He’s back out, using.  What the hell drives his demons? As much as I understand addiction, I will still never fully get it. He doesn’t know that I know…yet. Won’t really matter or make any difference when he knows, he’ll just deny it and fabricate some well spun story which he’s a master at.  So, my plan at this point is to try to have one brief conversation with him to let him know that this time I do not want to see him or hear from him until he is ready for help in the form of serious recovery, ready to commit at any cost, ready for the hardest work he’ll ever do in his life.  I have turned him over to God.  I can’t fix any of this for him as much as I wish I could, I know that.  I don’t know what else to do…..  He’s in deep, playing a very dangerous game with high stakes and I just pray he doesn’t end up dead.  With any luck his outstanding warrants will catch up with him soon and he’ll end up in jail, the best place for him at this very moment.  This sucks, what else can I say?

Remaining Cautiously Optimistic….

This past weekend was my ex-husband and the father of my children’s 50th birthday. My daughter was at her dad’s for the weekend and C and my grandbaby were going over on Saturday for a cookout to celebrate the ex’s birthday. Jake and C have been apart for a couple of weeks now. In the past whenever they have split up, Jake would take off and commence the beginning of his life spiraling out of control one more time….just the way it’s always gone. So, I was really surprised when my daughter told me that Jake came along with C and their son, to his dad’s for the cookout. Even more surprising was when my daughter told me that it had been Jake’s idea and he asked C if he could go with her and their baby. I guess you’d really have to know Jake and understand how he works to really get why this is sooooo out of character for him. It had been more than a week since I’ve had any communication with Jacob, so I decided to send him a text this morning just to say I love you and ask if he was doing okay and was he still staying at friends. He replied saying that he was back with C and they are trying to work things out. I’m happy they are trying to work on things….I’m not sure if things will work out for them or not, but I’m happy they’re at least trying…again. They’ve been together for more than 2 years (with periods of seperation) and I believe they really love each other but I worry about them because they each have their own issues, they’re so young and neither has the maturity to really understand and put into practice what it takes to have a healthy, loving relationship, not to mention that neither really know or understand what a healthy relationship is, in part, due to their young ages, lack of experience and the fact that both came from divorced homes….they are equally hard headed and stubborn. But, I have decided not to worry overly much about their relationship or read too much into this different course of action that I’m seeing with Jacob this time. Instead, I will breathe a sigh of relief for the moment, continue praying and remain cautiously optimistic and hopeful….I’ve turned it over to God.